{Great Amazing Race}

“Collecting the dots. Then connecting them. And then sharing the connections with those around you. This is how a creative human works. Collecting, connecting, sharing.” ― Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help I've never been a stay out late type of person, which seems the recipe for New Year's Eve party success. However, I do enjoy the celebrations and reflections that come with the closing of an old year and the start of a new one. I get time is simply a man made concept, you can start over the same day if you want to (etc etc) but I still like New Years. All fresh, clean and full of potential. It's like the starting line for a race. It's clear cut and there is commradery to the crowd. Except we all are running our own race...that cross each other's paths. Akin to The Amazing Race TV show with all the fun and drama.. My only goal for the year would to continue on a path of purpose, health and authenticity. Simple enough. Oh and as always to take more pictures, make more art, less conflict...hug and kiss more...whine and bitch less. Play more, work less...or make work into play. Cook more, eat out less....Write more, buy flowers...stress less....Laugh more....lots of laughing. lots of hugging. lots of peace

{City Sidewalks}

Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring, Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish, Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?) Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d, Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me, Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined, The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here—that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. -Walt Whitman {O Me! O Life!} Finally some Christmas street light bokeh!

{A December Blossom}

“He who kisses joy as it flies by will live in eternity's sunrise.” ― William Blake I will not complain about winter, only that I was taken aback with the drop in temps, ice and wind that hit yesterday. The drastic changes tend to drop me into a funk. To combat this bump in the road, I found a picture from Florida, from the beach, with sand and flowers. All things happy and warm. I imaginatively stuck my toes in the sand, stuck a flower in my hair and enjoyed the view.

{Abstraction}

“There is only one way to see things, until someone shows us how to look at them with different eyes” ― Pablo Picasso It's time for a abstract photograph and I planned on posting Christmas Lights Bokeh. There are many beautiful (as well as kitchy) houses lit up for the season. However, I've been busy and tired so that didn't happen. Instead, I found this picture from summer and was drawn to it's features. With any photograph, I'm always curious "what you look at and what do you see?"

{x-ray}

“Nights through dreams tell the myths forgotten by the day.” ― C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections

{Riddle}

“The Cosmos is all that is or was or ever will be. Our feeblest contemplations of the Cosmos stir us -- there is a tingling in the spine, a catch in the voice, a faint sensation, as if a distant memory, of falling from a height. We know we are approaching the greatest of mysteries.” 
― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

{Life's Terms}

“It is not so incomprehensible as you pretend, sweet pea. Love is the feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nourished by humor and “loaded with promises and commitments” that we may or may not want or keep.

The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it.” 
― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

{Awakenings}

“I am running into a new year and the old years blow back like a wind that I catch in my hair like strong fingers like all my old promises and it will be hard to let go of what I said to myself about myself when I was sixteen and twenty-six and thirty-six but I am running into a new year and I beg what i love and I leave to forgive me.” 
― Lucille Clifton



In the past week I have had coffee with three great friends that I worked with when I was a middle school counselor.  They all had very nice things to say to me. We caught up on our lives. And we remembered working together and what a lovely time we had.  Or they remembered what a great time we had.
I can't remember much. It's awfully weird. They all talked about me and I just sat uncomfortably trying to recall what that time was like. I love this women. I know that. They are strong, beautiful people who do great things for kids. I know I loved working with them.  I just can't remember.
Trauma freezes and shuts people down.  I obsessively read brain research on this subject. I just love research, love science and want to understand. Want to get better.
Some days I slug through and try to remember and feel things. I never used to be like this. I am a very sensitive person but just stuck in a bad place.  My ex-husband was and continues to be psychologically and emotionally abusive. He holds on to my children illegally and I can do nothing until I file a motion...with no lawyer right now.  It's hard to heal trauma when It keeps occuring. I want my life back badly. I ache for it and work so hard...I move forward then fall off a cliff. Get back up. I am so far from that person my friends talked to me about. At this point I'm not sure I would even want to be her anymore. Because there is a reason I got to this place and it's complicated. I allowed behavior for so long without setting boundaries or asserting myself. It destroyed my mental health. I'm resentful regarding my ex-husband but horribly disappointed and blame myself.
I working now with a counselor to address the PTSD which is pretty bad.  It's called prolonged exposure therapy. I had my first session on Wednesday and it was intense.  But from what I understand it is the most effective form of trauma therapy. Originally designed for veterans, it worked so well they trained others to use it on others outside the military who experience trauma.
It's a cloudy day and just needing to process things and such...

{On Being}

“I want to write something
so simply
about love
or about pain
that even
as you are reading
you feel it
and as you read
you keep feeling it
and though it be my story
it will be common,
though it be singular
it will be known to you
so that by the end
you will think—
no, you will realize—
that it was all the while
yourself arranging the words,
that it was all the time
words that you yourself,
out of your heart
had been saying.” 
― Mary Oliver, Evidence: Poems

{Moods}

“Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.” 
― Joss Whedon

{Garcia Garage}

“It’s all part of it, man.” 
― Jerry Garcia





I went on a photo walk and spotted these two awesome looking garages in an alley near my house. Instantly it reminded me of tie die (which I love) and I thought how LUCKY these people were to have such trippin, colorful places to hold their cars.  As with most things the pictures hardly do it justice. It just made me happy to see this part of the alleyway which probably sounds ridiculous.
Plastered on the walls were not only colors but shapes and textures that added to the pieces....An instant Rosarchach test....What do you see?
All in all I've had a blast designing cards for my shop. I hit flow and it's pretty sweet. Now if I just could sustain a living then life would be great. It's in the works, I have a vision. My time in Owatawana really inspired me and I just know where I should be. Getting there will be the fun part.

{Working out the Bugs}

“Everything beautiful has a mark of eternity.” 
― Simone Weil, Lectures on Philosophy

It's raining, cold and damp out today. All the makings of "perfect pj pants lazy day." There is work to do but I'm not feeling in any particular rush to get things done...and I'm down with it.  There is some laundry, editing and possible cookie baking on the agenda.  But since most of the days are structured and filled I welcome this Saturday with open arms....Sweet serenity.
I saw the new Steve Jobs movie last night and it was captivating and inspiring. It looked more at his own personality quirks and bugs.  His haunting feeling of being a mis-made product. Unwanted.
Steve Jobs has to be one of my inspirational heroes of the creation world.  Simplistic genius and drive. Innovation and passion. I admire his ability to keep pressing on despite being rejected from the company he created.  No time holds more true for me as this endless custody nightmare rages on...than this nugget to hold onto. It helps me keep my focus and grace. Life belongs to those who stay in the ring despite, hard blows and 10 rounds with Mr. T on roids knocking you to the ground. Picture it....
He understood innovation required messiness, failure and persistance. Creation was intuitive and needed to be practiced daily. Like myself, he was pretty big picture. I love that. However, he could afford a staff and assistance to manage the small details. I can afford a calendar from Office max and a daily dose of major discipline.
I'll close with a commitment to a November Gratitude focus. A girlfriend of mine mentioned this the other day at coffee and I will follow her lead. Life lived is the lens in which one views it! Over and out!

{The Birds}

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this, and nothing more.
The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe

Here is my ode to Halloween, the kick-starter of the holiday campaign season. I am a huge Halloween fan, dating back to childhood.  I may have posted this poem before, it's a favorite and always comes to mind when I think chill up your neck scary.  Along with Psycho, anything involving spiders, dark alley ways, the movie Halloween, kidnapper white vans in dark alley ways...oh and Stephen King's Shining. Or just Stephen King in general. I could keep adding to this list.
I will post more as things come to mind but I am going to attempt share my first big Halloween scare. It was when we were living on 42nd street and ballpark age around 8 or 9 years old. I'm pretty sure I was a karate kid as this was the costume we could afford and was easily accessible (my dad was a purple belt, had the costume). I was nerdy and rolly polly, so this worked. I felt tough.
The Gorilla Incident of 1983 started fun, we trailed around our nice Erie neighborhood, down the hill of Brandes, past the park and auto shop. Rounding the corner onto 38th and the beginning of the Erie hood, I was still confident and satisfied with the evening and accumulated goodies. Held tight and heavy in my pillow case.
This is when it all changed, we entered an apartment complex. It was the corner apartment, I approached (with sister and cousins).  I confidently rang the bell, collected the goods and turned my back.  Within seconds the largest roar and screams hit my back and I puked up my stomach in fear. A gigantic, rabid like, black furry gorilla was barreling right toward me. Innocent banana in hand. The fact I didn't shit my pants it was a miracle.  I only screamed.  Cliche blood curly scream. I was terrorized and it stood there deer in headlights.  There was no mercy with this gorilla and he definatly did not care that we were small children. I'm sure it was too a halloween highlight on his end. Possibly a tweaked out pot-smoking college boy with a mission...who knows. It was successful.
Fortunately, my brave father intervened and provided what was to be the first of many discussions with the terrorizing bullies in my life. This moment is still burned in my brain and after the Gorilla of 1983 we traveling north of 38th street and stuck to sweet city blocks with flower pots on the front steps.  I'll never forget.

{Greatest thing}

“To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern – and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.” 
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

From the delectable Erich Fromm comes my mantra for the upcoming...up and coming should say, next period(s) in my life.  I heard a speaker the other day who discussed his realization one day that his life was the summation of all the choices made until that moment.  This should seem obvious! Why, what else would it be. However, I shift-in-my-metal-seat related to his profound shock at this simple concept.  I too had sat on my back deck, only two day previous to this speech , wrapping my head around the same thing.  Right timing opens ears at the oddest time.
I can only say, for me, I have handed over and blamed life choices on circumstances and people around me throughout my life.  Poor me, what a victim to this big harsh world....But Being gently with myself, I observe, that many people feel the reigns of life have been guided by circumstances beyond their control. I think it is human nature especially in times when life just makes no utter sense.   Pinpointing the moment when this started for me goes back to about 1997 when under mom guilt pressure, I left my Southwest dream behind and caved returning East. Sigh...
There is a movie, Sliding Doors, that does a great job showing life choices paired side by side.  What would have happened if one had gone one direction as opposed to the other. Taken the city loop freeway as opposed to braving rush hour and heading straight through downtown.
I can't say, but I do spend time once in awhile thinking about this period of my life.  What I mostly need to focus on this time around is the awesome chance I have been given this moment, 20 years later to travel the direction authentic to me.
Change is difficult and for most people I believe it doesn't truly happen unless a major life event forces it's hand.  And then, it requires brutal blood thirsty honesty and reflection.  I have prided myself in being a change agent in my own life, but in all honesty I have bumped heads with the final release.  The choice to let go and step in to the unknown.  Repeatedly, I have had maddening patterns in my life show up that need to be addressed for true, healthy change to occur. And this is exciting stuff. It opens possibilities and the adventure I have watched and yearned for in my own life. So this is just my thoughts and writing for the day. Paired with another autumn beauty picture...that I will use in my greeting card series in the making.  A dream of my mine to create...create...to relate!

{Post It}

“If something inside of you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you’re a writer you have a moral obligation to do this. And it is a revolutionary act—truth is always subversive.” 
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

I have lots to write, especially regarding these last few glorious years. It's sprawled across notebooks, post-its, and memory. It is my goal til the end of the year to use time in the mornings to put these thoughts down and out of the head and heart...We'll see what comes of it.

{Daily Reflection}

“I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers.

Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.” 
― Oliver Sacks



I'm completely addicted to photographing everything autumn. The colors outside are at there peak and the weather has cooperated allowing daily photo walks. It's mother nature's miracle this time of year. Outside is a beautiful painting, a big box of crayons.  The light over the last week has added tones and mood. Little details everywhere....

{Autumn Morning}

“The whole sphere of air that surrounds us, Alma, is alive with invisible attractions — electric, magnetic, fiery and thoughtful. There is a universal sympathy all around us… When we cease all argument and debate — both internal and external — our true questions can be heard and answered…That is the gathering of magic.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, The Signature of All Things



Hydrangeas in October make me happy...

Rising Strong

Say not I have found the truth but rather 'I have found a truth' 
Say not I have found the path of the soul
Say rather 
'I have met the soul walking upon my path'
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line
neither does it grow like a seed.
The soul unfolds like a reel.
The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals.
-Kahlil Gibran

Standing outside this morning on the deck. Parka on and coffee in hand. Frost and cold blanket the backyard and the sky now reflects a skyline of cool blues before the sun makes it's way forward for the day. I welcome fall this year and don't whine a bit from the cold. I'm alive. I'm grateful.

{It makes the world go Round}

“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” 
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember



This post is dedicated to Fred Rogers and The Hug. The human hug. The thing you need on a Friday night when the world has kicked your ass and takin names. But you love the world and all it's ass kicking and just need a hug. Or to laugh. So I haven't had time to write in the morning but it's so needed with the job I'm in right now to keep sane.

So here is to the tender hearts. Like Fred Rogers...who I met when I was 9 or so on the front steps of a Presbyterian Church in Pittsburgh PA, many years ago. Cozy up in that sweet sweater on Friday night. I love his show like there is no tomorrow. I love this man.

{Rhythm}

“Nothing happens until something moves.” 
― Albert Einstein

Organization, creativity, structure, motion.
I'm going to use this moment to upchuck all over this blog because I am very underslept and overwhelmed. I've spent the beginning of my week in a training that was both facinating and stifiling.  As a creative, I value the dicipline it takes to get work done.
There are lots of ideas, thoughts that come to my head but I know it is the motion that brings them to life.  
I can hoenstly say that  many times I idle at the 1/4 inch tip that touches the motion, like a wave you see coming toward the shore, wondering if it will make a crash landing or just slide on into the beach.
It's electrifiying place to be, my body and mind feel uncomfortable.
Keeping it classy, I 100% want to vomit every time I show my work or my art.
But shit needs to get done
How to shape the shoreline?
So this training,
 I love good trainings, because it brings together different brains, ideas and fun
This one was about standards, organization, productivity (all important stuff)
ORGANIZE
Hmm, well, let's talk about that
Back to the presentation
 I am not the most organized person so I'm all on THIS.
I took notes, I listened, I participated in the activities. Contemplated using the dictation feature on my iphone. That is how bad I crave organization.
It was fun and energizing. I learned new pathways to productivity nirvana.
And then, bam,  I felt incredibly OCD. As in get me the hell out here. MOVE!
Isn't there any crisis with one of my clients I can attend to? Please?
In a moment the presenter was just talking at me. The energy left.
I sat in front of a person just talking at me.
There was not discussion, no continued energy.
It's frustrating because there was a wave there.
And I know we need them both.
I should figure out how to organize by desk Feng Shei. It is peaceful and makes me want to get work done and just stare at my perfect desk at the same time. Odd.
Find that file in 30 seconds or less. That would be awesome!
I should and I do value this concept.
Concept and motion.

{Well hello 3:00am}

“Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"

"I give."

"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.” 
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest



This post is courtesy of awaking at 1:47 bright eyed and ready to GO! It most likely will not make sense to anyone but myself however, this shit needs to get out of my head. Pardon the language. I get crass when tired, stuck in traffic and playing tennis.

This early morning call seems to be the norm these last few weeks and I'm rolling with it.  So far I've managed to stay sane and can think of only one time I was ready to crash face forward into my desk from the exhaustion.  I'm feeling an interesting energy all around me and it's propeling me forward.  Lots of thoughts and ideas are coming to me and how they weave together is like a 1000 piece puzzle full of intricate detail.

How am handling this?

Notecards and Post-its.  Currently the ideas and to-do's are contained on the ever reliable, thank you 3MM post-it, the classic notecard, the slowly crashing on me iPhone 4s and my current favorite - the palm  and  top of my hand.   That last one gets iffy and I have to be careful not to wash away these notes before transfering to concrete, reliable surfaces  There is always a pen wrapped in the current snazzy low, I haven't had a haircut in a long time- ponytail.  It's convenient and works with a busy schedule.

At least I have a system.

Focusing these ideas and following through has always been a challenge for me. Especially when a lot of thoughts are swirling together at once.  However,  I have been reaping the dicipline and wisdom that comes with age and life experience and finally structure (albiet a loose one) to my life.  I am more patient these days. Restlessly patient.

The place I work really inspries me. It's a smaller companty with lots of potential and great vision.  There is a mix of people from different professions that collaborate real well.  I'm excited to be part of an organization that is growing from the ground up.  There is an openess and innovation that drives the work. I see it as an essential foundation in human services; necessary to match a rapidly changing culture with meeting peoples daily functional needs.  Most of our clients rely on other people from where I work or their family members for daily survival. It is a huge responsibility.

With that I am shutting this brain down (like right?) and going to run.

Peace out

{Wallop}

“How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.
 you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.” 
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

This is perfect
Rainer gets it.

{Rolling Down the River}

“In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance.” ― Jeanette Winterson, The World and Other Places: Stories 
AND 
For everything there is a season -Multitude of wise people thru the years

A few months ago I was musing about vocation and the hunt for the perfect job. It's funny to me that when I feel I have figured out the formula to the universe's flow, I'm reminded in gentle, amusing ways that this is SO very not true. And that's cool Universe; I can't compete with Divine Knowledge.
 
It usually comes as intuitive uppercuts to the gut that strike as I'm buzzing quickly to work or in the long hours I spend in my car, spacing out to NPR and commuting to a new job site for a client visit. 

Ahhh yes, to everything there is most defiantly a season and that formula I'm no where near figuring out. I really dig my new job even though it's been an overwhelming training period. Working with people and having colleagues to team with to support people is something I've missed. It is, however, not quite what I expected but the surprises have wonderfully unfolded.

When I took this position I mistakenly thought it was a non-profit company. It was just a natural jump to conclusion from past experience and misreading the job company mission. Nice one for me. It is a for-profit social service agency and working for an organization like this my first experience. The differences are quite striking and I can't say that one is better than the other, expect for this season of my life it is close to perfect.

 I like feeling appreciated, respected and having professional colleagues who believe that "burn out" can be avoided by setting such things as boundaries and working 40 hours (give or take 10-15:)...) is healthy. Completely new arena for me. I'll call a spade a spade and say public education does not hold this mentality. Not to ruffle feathers, but I wouldn't wish burn out on my worst enemy. It's a dark place and difficult to manage. I also get the professional respect to flex my work day based on my caseload and paperwork (sooooo much eye-twitching induced paperwork) which is also perfect for how can be wired for success in all areas of my life. Thank you Universe!

 I'm off to a training an hour outside the Cities, and this drive I'm looking forward to as it takes me through some pretty parts of the Northwest Metro area. Mother Nature still calms me down even if it's only glimpses outside my car window. For the reason I enjoyed being a school counselor, I won't be doing the same thing I did yesterday. The day will be hold the variety that keeps me creatively invigorated and inspired.

 Wrapping it up, last week we had a management meeting and interspersed with professional development speakers and meetings we got to make art for therapeutic purposes and to be displayed in the office!

Stations of art projects were set up and colleagues were up to their knees in melted crayons, paints, paper products and glue.  The sounds of blow dryers buzzed in the background, and frequent surges of power outages occurred.  People not making art and working on their computers at their desks grumbled in the background.... It was messy art making at it's finest and everyone seemed to be relaxing and enjoying the process.

One  outside assignment was to photograph parts of Northeast Minneapolis, a area of the city I'm not familiar with. South Side, I know like the back of my hand. It's where I raised my kids and spent a majority of my life. I had this image of the NorthSide being ghetto and need I say boring. I slowly figure out through working in this area that the North Side is a collision of cultural, social and creative experiences.

So, I think I cried with joy from my desk when I got the emails with the details of the project. Good thing my-workers are cool and just chuckled at this display of delight. These are a few pictures I got from St. Anthony Main and the parking lot of my new favorite lunch spot the Rusty Taco (who, shout out, has the BEST black bean tacos...sprinkled with pumpkin seeds and goat cheese goodness). And with that, I sum up saying when work doesn't feel like work, at least 65% of the time, then I think one has stumbled upon true vocation. This is my newest formula..Now if I could figure out the secret to navigating major Highway Closures...I might have life figured out.

{Discussion}

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.” ― Mark Twain - I just really adore these pictures and thought I'd post them with random musings. One of my favorite parts of watching his games is the deliberation that takes place in between innings and such. I wonder what they are talking about with those 9 year old minds. As a mom I find in adorable. And the black marker shine that they put under their eyes also is interesting to me. I'm sure there is a formal word for it, but what I enjoy is how important it is to each of the boys on the team. I was talking with another mom at one game, curious if it made a difference. Like me, she had no idea. She hadn't even thought about it and gave me a smile. And last, the Hubba Bubba gum (in tow with it's giant bucket) and sunflower seeds which are trademark game snacks. For many reasons, I prefer the gum, as the sunflower seeds project a disturbing image of my son spitting chew at the tender age of nine. The game always ends with a snack given out by the coach's son who dangles it before the boys and runs around the field. The boys chase after and despite the win or loss of the game,grab their popsicle and head towards their loved ones. These games hold all sorts of summer delights and remind me of the simple things that make life great and what made my own summer precious when I was just nine.

{Counted}

“Do I dare 
Disturb the universe? 
In a minute there is time 
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.” 
― T.S. Eliot

{Rising Up)

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. 
Maya Angelou

I'm insanely tired from moving and training with my new job but I want to record even a 1/3 of my thoughts.
In the last week I have been humbled and floored by the people I will be working with. Their strength in the face of every adversity possible is indescribable.  I leave each day feeling as if they are the ones that helped me instead of vice versa.
Every job I take seems to always put me in the face of new places and faces.  And I love that, believe or not,  even though the initial stress and transition makes me want to crawl under the covers to hide.
Over the course of my 40 years on this Earth I have not had much interaction or work with people with severe/profound mental and developmental disabilities.  I'm slowly, through training and observation learning the human experience of fearing the unfamiliar.  It's nasty...or beautiful. It's a gut, fight or flight reaction and takes interaction and emotional connection to bridge that deficit.  Or else you retreat back into more fear and isolation.  There are so many global events in the last month that have shown this in a very basic level. It should be obvious.
This course of my life changed in a short span of about one month; in a way that I never anticipated. I'm sure there is a reason. I'll figure it out....I am figuring it out I should say.  Or maybe I don't need to at this point. That is what the heart is for...sappy point here.
I feel a flow and a connection with people I have haven't felt for sometime and it's stronger having endured the previous challenges in my own life.
We are all phenomenally weaved together. Needing each other. Not ever in the way I thought we did but even better.
Peacefully out for the night-

{Kiwi}

“Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.”
― Charles Dickens

{Micro-ball}

“I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and music and everything beautiful.” ― Virginia Woolf, The Voyage Out  I'm getting back into the habit of trying to take photographs daily. It's good for me and my work. My favorite subject is my children and I have a lot of catching up to do. They are at the age now where it's more challenging, although both have said to me "Mom, I am used to this now..." so I feel like I have conditioned them long enough where such documentation is normal. I still try to be cognizant of not embarrassing them though since they are at the age where everything I do embarrasses them. Such is normal adolescent child development I suppose. Sigh.
 I'm trying to work on action photography but I am not equipped with the right lenses and also not very good at it yet. There will be lot's of opportunity for practice. And I'll make do until I can upgrade lens wise. However, in all the sports pictures my children look like lego figurine micro-people. Somewhat, frustrating. Increasingly more frustrating when I watch another parent role into the game with my much coveted Hubble sized,  zoom lens in town.  Alas I put envy aside and I document on. I'm just blessed and thankful to be back in the position to photograph my children regularly. Maybe this can be my niche.
 On a different note, I believe this game was my son's first win of the season.  The boys were very proud of themselves and worked hard. In the last few games, it seems they really took what their coach said to them during their post game huddle and worked on building their skills. That's pretty neat to see. His coaches are great with the boys and very energetic. In fact, most of the MFAC teams and their coaches are pleasant and not too intense. The coach from the other team last night was particularly entertaining. I was convinced he must have had minimum 5 pre-game Energy drinks as with a spring in his step, he spoke loudly and rapid like a machine gun the entire two hours. All his syllables were punctuated. Enthusiastically he coached his team of boys and I found it amusing at one point when he instructed a boy to not concentrate on the velocity of the ball, as opposed to usual choice word of speed. Must be a physics teacher. Just a guess.
All and all,  It was a beautiful, almost perfect Minnesota Summer evening of Micro-ball.  Filled with young and old boys with big hearts, large vocabulary and red bull sized energy.

{Over The Hedge}

The ants go marching one by one, Hurrah!! Hurrah!!
The ants go marching one by one, Hurrah!! Hurrah!!
The ants go marching one by one, 
The little one stopped to suck his thumb,
And they all go marching down, around, and up-side down.

I've been taking the time to do runs around my new neighborhood to get acquainted with the area.  Today, there was a light sprinkle that turned into a misty drizzle. I love to run in this type of weather and look at the coat of water that adorns everything around me, including myself.  

This leads me to the Peonies that are abundantly present in the yards and businesses I run past.  Today, I found these pink peonies and post run stepped outside to take some pictures.

I've always loved Peonies even when I didn't have a clue what they were. It takes me to my favorite Peony story of all time.  It dates to right after my son was born  8 years and some months ago. We were living in an older city home and it seemed very popular with the ants in the neighborhood.  Having a newborn, a young toddler and just a general disgust with bugs crawling on my couch and up the wall I was going crazy trying to get rid of these ants who made our home...their home.  

This is where one of the funniest encounters I have had with a person comes in. I called an exterminator finally after failing miserably to evict the ants.  This man was exactly like the exterminator in the movie Over the Hedge. He LOVED his job and I mean loved it. He spoke deeply, passionately and was full of extreme physical hand gestures as we discussed ants.  He had a brochure and explained the different types of ants.  There are a lot of types of ants, I knew this now as I got a full National Geographic lecture courtesy of this fascinating Angie's list referred exterminator. 

 He looked intensely into my eyes and in a rather aggressive tone asked if we had Peonies Bushes?! Without having a chance to answer, he proceeded to educate me on how much ants love Peonies and if these bushes were around our home he was going to rip them out immediately. This was not a question. It was more a statement of fact. I was shocked by this bold and rather boundary violating statement. But he was so funny and I believed him so if we would have had Peonies bushes, by all means, I would have let him remove them immediately. 

There was no Peonies around the home and the ant's were successfully removed. And I always have a small laugh when I see the lovely Peonies of Summer.

{All Good Down Here}

“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.” 
― Kurt Vonnegut

{Pathway of the Clouds}

“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just in the mood tonight for some good ole inspirational Emerson

{New Horizons}

“When you reach for the stars, you are reaching for the farthest thing out there. When you reach deep into yourself, it is the same thing, but in the opposite direction. If you reach in both directions, you will have spanned the universe.” 

― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration


I'm in the midst of packing for the move back to Minnesota and true to form I all sorts of a UPS brown box surrounded hot mess. I have three egg boxes that I am "packing"  that seem to have nothing in them despite being moved 20 or so times around my bedroom. This is when I appreciate my sister who has to be the expert organizer and probably the most in control person I ever met. She has provided moving interventions through the years by literally holding up pieces of clothing or other household articles and decisively telling me what box to pack it in or what donation bag to add it to.  I follow like a diligent Kindergarten student on the way to the water fountain. Marching to her orders. I follow in awe, humility and much appreciation.  It's not that I can't do this, just under certain chaos filled circumstances ,  I often resort to immature coping mechanisms involving such as
obsessive baking or hiding out in my room, behind the boxes, and playing 6,000 games of Ruzzle.

It is not my intention to sound whiney, I'm working SOOOOO hard on this ,but I'm just ready for my life not to have a million high stress things converging at once.  And that just what it has been like the last few years. It's frustrating but I'm past the point now where I keep rewinding the moments analyzing every last move and mistake to figure out how not to have all that shit happen again. That sounds type A insane reading what I just wrote, as if I haven't learned the ultimate lesson. Which when I remember,  keeps me able to make calm and collected decisions such as how to pack a brown UPS moving box.

For me that  big lesson is, to always remember that most of the things I worry about do not come to pass. It is those unexpected moments that I never in my active crazy imagination head thought would happen, did happen. And I made it, sometimes crawling and eating crow but I made it. It gave me muscles and some much needed backbone. And lots of other lessons I'm sure I see in hindsight. I have to get back to packing and enjoying the day. Set a to do list, that just might have some baking involved.  Mainly I write this now so I can re-read it and remember and keep moving forward.

{Binded and Shelved}

“If you think you can grasp me, think again:
my story flows in more than one direction
a delta springing from the riverbed
with its five fingers spread” 

― Adrienne Rich, Time's Power

I'm not sure what this tree is called, but the contrast of color and texture again the stormy sky made a picture taking a must today...

{Detective}

Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.
Frank Lloyd Wright

A bush of stunning flowers were growing outside the most quaint city home and the vibrant red drew me in instantly. When I realized they were peonies I was full of more delight and surprise. I got a glorious rush of gratitude and inspiration. A reaction was set of that lingered with me.
Over the weekend,  I went camping with my sister and during one of our campfire conversations I remarked that the woods were Mother's Natures anti-depressant. All natural, no side effects. My kind of medicine.
I love and grateful that can get daily doses of this gift, on walks in the city as well as hikes in the woods. It is everywhere, if I look close enough.  And when I take time to study or watch, the goodness magnifies and it sets off those wonderful neuro-chemicals that soothe and center.
I am amazed how it all in constant connection with itself, holding me up and moving me forward.

{Momentum}

Baseball is like church. Many attend few understand-Leo Durocher None of my photographs of my daughter playing softball do not include a metal fence overlay. I tried but sports photography is just not my talent as of yet. I was quite envious of the cool dad who had the tripod and the huge ass lens that was shooting away at the tournament over the weekend. Maybe someday...although I'm sure I would have to up the weight training to hold that lens and perhaps some yoga to improve balance to not fall over shooting with the lens. That would be a disaster and embarrass my children. I love this photograph because of the light and the perspective. I don't at all understand softball or baseball but I enjoy the environment and watching my kids play. There is always a lot to watch at games and I find my eyes darting around taking all the details in, listening to conversations around me and chatting with other parents and fans. Unlike their soccer or basketball games, baseball and softball can move pretty slow. It defiantly has a different rhythm and it works cause that is how I like to roll these days.

{To all those days}

“Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the Romance of the unusual.”-Ernest Hemingway

So I'll just go ahead and do that then Mr. Hemingway... I'm believing that my 40's not only will be but have to be better than those crazy 30's. I never have minded getting older. I acknowledge those normal moments that come with time. Contemplation and noticing how fast life goes, holding onto growing children and asking them to slow down, aching joints, memories that are colored and fainter. I welcome the wisdom that comes with experience and choices (for better or worse) that accumulated into 40 years of a pretty darn good life. Those massive barriers and boundaries holding life safely at bay has given way to more gentleness and appreciation of precious present moments...

{Trusty and True}

“Nothing is less real than realism. Details are confusing. It is only by selection, by elimination, by emphasis, that we get at the real meaning of things.” 
―Georgia O'Keeffe


I spent the good part of my morning banging my head against the proverbial brick wall called Photoshop.  I love photoshop but we were not seeing eye to eye on anything today.  The level of anxiety, stimulation and frustration escalated as I cropped the same picture over and over trying to fit it just perfectly into it's template.  Eventually it worked but it pissed me off to no end how long it took...My patience was no where to be seen. I looked everywhere.

Bringing it down a notch,  I recall wise people I know that say gratitude is the cure for a sour mood. And I am grateful for a job I love. I am grateful for a$$ hole Photoshop template sizing that makes no sense.  They are like puzzles and stimulate my brain. Much needed and noted thank you God..

And so, with that, the sob story blog post is done.

However, should I ever happen upon a magic genie in a bottle, I'd ask for sainthood patience and instant photoshop mastery.

I do see the irony with this. I have a lot of work to do.

So with a blink, a nose wink and a sigh I sign off for my hot date with Photoshop (swoon). We just adore each other!

{Tulips, Ted Talks and Transmarginal Inhibition...}

“Do not become a mere recorder of facts, but try and penetrate the mystery of their origin.” ― Ivan Pavlov I would guess most people are aware of Pavlov and his infamous "Salivating Dog"experiment. At least, if you have ever taken a Psych 101 course, the ringing bell...the dog salivating...it might come back to you. I'm not a huge behaviorist but I found this experiment fascinating and toyed with ideas on how it could be used in non-therapy life. Once I became a parent, behavior mod was a go to plan. No bell involved! I promise. I hate the sound of ringing bells...

 Another theory of Pavlov is Transmarginal Shutdown. This term and phenomena I am well aware of as someone with a sensitive nervous system. In layman's terms it's one's pain threshold and how fast the point of no return is met. Depending, literally, on the direction of the wind, since changes in air pressure make me CRAWL out of my skin, I can reach this point quicker than the average folk. Whatever average is. So the level of stress over the last three years has been pretty above normal. Even for average people. Naturally, I've been looking for non-destructive and non self-sabatoging behavior since, having tried most, I've learned the temporary relief is no where near the benefit of momentary relief. And having my share of drama, I'm drama-ed out. It's called being a grown up right?

 Which leads to Ted Talks. My current podcast type obsession. I love them and have found great tools to use in dealing with stress. A recent one in particular focused on success and meeting life goals. I'm generalizing and might be hard to follow, but the speaker talked about three areas to focus on (as suggested by Warren Buffet)to be your above average human being. What stood out to me was his discussion about writing and remembering. The speaker tied it to growth mindset and learning, professing that even writing as little as 5 minutes a day will leave a record of moments, memories thoughts that build you up, make you smarter. I enjoying writing and random observations are always floating around my mind but I'm not too disciplined in keeping methods of recording with me. And I've tried...I'll keep trying. He might be on to something. This blog has been a great journal and has spanned since the beginning of my photography business. I would agree with his statement and add that it has helped in moments of transmarginal shutdown induced memory loss. I can re-read posts and feel more grounded and at ease. Seen growth, red flags and wonderful memories.

 And last,  tulips, well what is there to say but they are the best flower ever. I can't get enough of them and so happy we are in tulip season so I can quit with the twig photo obsession and move on to something more inspiring... And that is five minutes of streaming thought for today!

{Poppy}

“My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover. ~ Falsely yours” -Charles Bukowski Ahhh Bukowski...to sucking every piece of marrow out of life and then some. No one puts as quite "eloquently" as him. I love his words and every time I read him I am moved some way or another. One direction or another. Now that...that I love.

{Keep Calm and Hope}

“Hope is not about proving anything. It's about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.”

-Anne Lamott

Ann Lammott could be one of my favorite people ever and if I could have a coffee and chat with her sometime in my life I'd die a happy woman. Her books are authentic, funny, insightful and full of faith and grace. The first book I read of hers Traveling Mercies planted ideas about healthily living and loving long before I was able to really grasp how to live the truths for myself. What I appreciate about her so much, beside her amazing victory over addiction oh and her writing style...ok I appreciate a lot of things. But she is a straight shooter. And talks to word of my people...if you catch what I mean. It's hard to dole out bullshit excuses after I read her. Here is a certainty I need burned in my brain. It should have been branded on me at birth. Right on my behind as a warning label...I don't need to prove anything. Preaching it. I've struggled with good times of not giving a hoot and blazing my own trail. And other times, oh let's say since 2009 or so I've felt this knawing to prove something. It's honestly the truest form of insanity I've ever encountered. A no-win contest and makes me miserable. And underneath all of this neurosis is the question "to who am holding these standards to?" Love is big and the scope of how to apply true loving to my life is a journey I honestly have just begun. I can't begin to describe how hope feels to me these days...and I shouldn't have to prove it:)

{Budding Potential}

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody — no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.” 
-Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 5: A Game of You



My obsession with sticks, buds and other twig like things will soon pass. I promise...it will be replaced, with who knows. I have to say it is pretty darn cool to see how they change daily on my walks these days. They were hiding under there all winter ready to break free! And that is my zen moment for the day...

{Umbrellas at Beaches}

Broken windows and empty hallways,
a pale lit moon in a sky streaked with grey.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today
-Bette Midler


I love the movie Beaches. When it came out I saw it more times than I could count. And who could stop playing the poignant "wind beneath my wings."  We even sang it in high school chorus, deep and moving chords...Or should I say, as deep as you can get when you are 16 years old and singing a significantly emotional song...which then, in your short years you most likely had no idea what the hell you were singing.  But it was still beautiful. And how can you go wrong with the words hero, wind and wings as the structure of your song. That WAS the 80's and early 90's...I'm sure of it.  Mostly, the song made people treat each other better. Perhaps elicit some empathy. So I was all for it.
It meant the real popular girls were nice to me for a week...

Much later, I was listening to a show tunes Pandora station (Theater nerds, like goonies, never die!) and "I think it's going to rain today" came on and it moved me. Similar to wind beneath my wings. I don't even remember it in the movie that I had watched, I'm pretty sure close to 100 times. I even had the soundtrack. It's interesting to me the whole concept of music, songs, lyrics and meanings. I'm pretty intuitive so usually when something strikes me I just know it's important for some reason or the other. Sometimes it's a long time down the road...So rain has just been on my mind a lot lately. I guess I'll put this all together at some point. Maybe I need to watch Beaches again.

Today I did a short photo walk in the rain to track down some daffodil shots for my mother. In all honesty I can't stand these flowers. I'm not sure why. I think I associate them with too much church and Easter church services. But they were so stunning to me covered in raindrops. I just tried to study and appreciate them from a different, fresh perspective. It sort of worked...

Then I at the end of my walk I saw these beauties. White and yellow toned...I must confess, I have a new appreciation for this flower.  The flower of Hope I am told.

{9 to 5}

“In my own life, as winters turn into spring, I find it not only hard to cope with mud but also hard to credit the small harbingers of larger life to come, hard to hope until the outcome is secure. Spring teaches me to look more carefully for the green stems of possibility; for the intuitive hunch that may turn into a larger insight, for the glance or touch that may thaw a frozen relationship, for the stranger's act of kindness that makes the world seem hospitable again.” 
 ― Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation

{To Reverie}

Written love is going out of fashion, but the benefits remain. There are still souls for whom love is the contact of two poetries, the fusion of two reveries. To tell a love, one must write. Love is never finished expressing itself, and it expresses itself better the more poetically it is dreamed. The reveries of two solitary souls prepare the sweetness of loving. The reality of love is mutilated when it is detached from all its unrealness. 
 Gaston Bachelard In honor of my new favorite word: Reverie
 rev·er·ie ˈrev(ə)rē/ noun a state of being pleasantly lost in one's thoughts; a daydream.
"a knock on the door broke her reverie"
synonyms: daydream, daydreaming, trance, musing;
More
MUSIC an instrumental piece suggesting a dreamy or musing state.
 archaic a fanciful or impractical idea or theory. I just love it...

{Expressions of the Soul}

“I tell you this to break your heart, by which I mean only that it break open and never close again to the rest of the world.” ― Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems, Vol. 2 Lately, I've been thinking of how to merge all the best parts of my work life into one perfect career. Because Perfection exist right (eye roll). I say this tongue and cheek but I do believe that their is a calling for each one of us. I saw a cute and overly simple venn diagram that indicated true vocation was where what you love, what you do well, what the world needs and what people will pay intersect. This Pinterest pin has really set off a chain reaction of introspection, investigation and action (another ven diagram!). It's been fun to look at patterns and ways different job duties over the years could merge and create different work, different pathways. For instance how about a funeral home assistant? Noooo....too much...what's the word...Death. And death to me, most days, is overwhelming and freaks me out. But I did a lot of counseling with people who came into the flower shop to order funeral work for the deceased. I enjoyed that part of my job immensely. Helping people and listening. Using flowers to help ease the pain of death. Lot's of reflective listening and unconditional positive regard. My point in all of this is, it was an job concoction that I never thought would appear in my life. As in, NEVER EVER...whew! So I'm investigating art therapy right now and I love it. I haven't been excited about something in all my life with the exception of photography. In hindsight, I realized that during my time as a school counselor I used play and art to connect with students most often as early teen hood does not an articulate student make. However, open a game of Jenga or pull out the paint and play dough and a once muted 12 year old boy (yes a boy!) becomes chatterbox station. It really is a fascinating, growing field. Most important, I notice too in the last few years, as I transition from the period of the divorce and some challenging health issues that it has been art, poetry, movement helping me heal. And thank god for that....Feel like crying, make art. Going to court, make art. Complete existential crisis...oh yes, lots of art. (I can't take credit for that last thoughts, I saw it it from an inspiring artist on Facebook, different examples...same point) Lots of intersecting going on here. Expressive Art Therapy would be it's formal name and it a growing, well researched field. So let's jaunt down that pathway and see where it goes...

{Spring blossoms and beams}

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” 
-Virginia Woolf

{Power}

Living in the earth-deposits of our history



Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth

one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old

cure for fever or melancholy a tonic

for living on this earth in the winters of this climate.

Today I was reading about Marie Curie:

she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness

her body bombarded for years by the element

she had purified

It seems she denied to the end

the source of the cataracts on her eyes

the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends

till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil

She died a famous woman denying

her wounds

denying

her wounds came from the same source as her power.
-Adrienne Rich


I thought I'd let a brilliant writer share my thoughts for the day. I discovered her in a roundabout way as I'm currently reading the book Wild and Adrienne Rich's "Power" was cited.  It was late last night when I read it and I felt a surge of energy and connection. It took some time to ramp the brain down and ease into sleep. But it eventually came.

Spending an hour or so at Asbury Woods this afternoon, walking, praying, observing. It was brilliant outside and the boardwalk was cleared mostly from the snow. It was an invigorating walk and brought back good memories of when I was young and a volunteered here.  I can accredit this experience for my fearlessness when it comes to snakes. Or maybe a better would be not scaredtheshitof them...unlike spiders.  Which scare the FUCK out of me...even itty bitty, dead and curled up in a ball ones. Yuck!

 One of my volunteering duties was giving the boa constricter a bath and feeding a dinner plane of mice. Which was kind of sad in retrospect. I thought the snakes was mean, tough, sly and patient...and the mice were stupid, wandering and obvious.  They squeaked and didn't shut up...and pooped a ton.

I would think how awful it would be do be those mice just chilling out in a new pad full of space and warmth, or so these rodents thought. In all reality there were in a death row line up...with a huge Boa licking it's slithering long, tongue . It was at this time I also realized I think too much:) And felt to much. I mean, who feels so sad for a mouse? I do.

But today, the woods was a haven to my busy mind.  I took what I now call my "Forrest Gump" walks , camera in hand; relaxing and welcoming peace.