{Working out the Bugs}

“Everything beautiful has a mark of eternity.” 
― Simone Weil, Lectures on Philosophy

It's raining, cold and damp out today. All the makings of "perfect pj pants lazy day." There is work to do but I'm not feeling in any particular rush to get things done...and I'm down with it.  There is some laundry, editing and possible cookie baking on the agenda.  But since most of the days are structured and filled I welcome this Saturday with open arms....Sweet serenity.
I saw the new Steve Jobs movie last night and it was captivating and inspiring. It looked more at his own personality quirks and bugs.  His haunting feeling of being a mis-made product. Unwanted.
Steve Jobs has to be one of my inspirational heroes of the creation world.  Simplistic genius and drive. Innovation and passion. I admire his ability to keep pressing on despite being rejected from the company he created.  No time holds more true for me as this endless custody nightmare rages on...than this nugget to hold onto. It helps me keep my focus and grace. Life belongs to those who stay in the ring despite, hard blows and 10 rounds with Mr. T on roids knocking you to the ground. Picture it....
He understood innovation required messiness, failure and persistance. Creation was intuitive and needed to be practiced daily. Like myself, he was pretty big picture. I love that. However, he could afford a staff and assistance to manage the small details. I can afford a calendar from Office max and a daily dose of major discipline.
I'll close with a commitment to a November Gratitude focus. A girlfriend of mine mentioned this the other day at coffee and I will follow her lead. Life lived is the lens in which one views it! Over and out!

{The Birds}

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this, and nothing more.
The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe

Here is my ode to Halloween, the kick-starter of the holiday campaign season. I am a huge Halloween fan, dating back to childhood.  I may have posted this poem before, it's a favorite and always comes to mind when I think chill up your neck scary.  Along with Psycho, anything involving spiders, dark alley ways, the movie Halloween, kidnapper white vans in dark alley ways...oh and Stephen King's Shining. Or just Stephen King in general. I could keep adding to this list.
I will post more as things come to mind but I am going to attempt share my first big Halloween scare. It was when we were living on 42nd street and ballpark age around 8 or 9 years old. I'm pretty sure I was a karate kid as this was the costume we could afford and was easily accessible (my dad was a purple belt, had the costume). I was nerdy and rolly polly, so this worked. I felt tough.
The Gorilla Incident of 1983 started fun, we trailed around our nice Erie neighborhood, down the hill of Brandes, past the park and auto shop. Rounding the corner onto 38th and the beginning of the Erie hood, I was still confident and satisfied with the evening and accumulated goodies. Held tight and heavy in my pillow case.
This is when it all changed, we entered an apartment complex. It was the corner apartment, I approached (with sister and cousins).  I confidently rang the bell, collected the goods and turned my back.  Within seconds the largest roar and screams hit my back and I puked up my stomach in fear. A gigantic, rabid like, black furry gorilla was barreling right toward me. Innocent banana in hand. The fact I didn't shit my pants it was a miracle.  I only screamed.  Cliche blood curly scream. I was terrorized and it stood there deer in headlights.  There was no mercy with this gorilla and he definatly did not care that we were small children. I'm sure it was too a halloween highlight on his end. Possibly a tweaked out pot-smoking college boy with a mission...who knows. It was successful.
Fortunately, my brave father intervened and provided what was to be the first of many discussions with the terrorizing bullies in my life. This moment is still burned in my brain and after the Gorilla of 1983 we traveling north of 38th street and stuck to sweet city blocks with flower pots on the front steps.  I'll never forget.

{Greatest thing}

“To have faith requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot have faith; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense, where distance and possession are his means of security, makes himself a prisoner. To be loved, and to love, need courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern – and to take the jump and to stake everything on these values.” 
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

From the delectable Erich Fromm comes my mantra for the upcoming...up and coming should say, next period(s) in my life.  I heard a speaker the other day who discussed his realization one day that his life was the summation of all the choices made until that moment.  This should seem obvious! Why, what else would it be. However, I shift-in-my-metal-seat related to his profound shock at this simple concept.  I too had sat on my back deck, only two day previous to this speech , wrapping my head around the same thing.  Right timing opens ears at the oddest time.
I can only say, for me, I have handed over and blamed life choices on circumstances and people around me throughout my life.  Poor me, what a victim to this big harsh world....But Being gently with myself, I observe, that many people feel the reigns of life have been guided by circumstances beyond their control. I think it is human nature especially in times when life just makes no utter sense.   Pinpointing the moment when this started for me goes back to about 1997 when under mom guilt pressure, I left my Southwest dream behind and caved returning East. Sigh...
There is a movie, Sliding Doors, that does a great job showing life choices paired side by side.  What would have happened if one had gone one direction as opposed to the other. Taken the city loop freeway as opposed to braving rush hour and heading straight through downtown.
I can't say, but I do spend time once in awhile thinking about this period of my life.  What I mostly need to focus on this time around is the awesome chance I have been given this moment, 20 years later to travel the direction authentic to me.
Change is difficult and for most people I believe it doesn't truly happen unless a major life event forces it's hand.  And then, it requires brutal blood thirsty honesty and reflection.  I have prided myself in being a change agent in my own life, but in all honesty I have bumped heads with the final release.  The choice to let go and step in to the unknown.  Repeatedly, I have had maddening patterns in my life show up that need to be addressed for true, healthy change to occur. And this is exciting stuff. It opens possibilities and the adventure I have watched and yearned for in my own life. So this is just my thoughts and writing for the day. Paired with another autumn beauty picture...that I will use in my greeting card series in the making.  A dream of my mine to create...create...to relate!

{Post It}

“If something inside of you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you’re a writer you have a moral obligation to do this. And it is a revolutionary act—truth is always subversive.” 
― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

I have lots to write, especially regarding these last few glorious years. It's sprawled across notebooks, post-its, and memory. It is my goal til the end of the year to use time in the mornings to put these thoughts down and out of the head and heart...We'll see what comes of it.

{Daily Reflection}

“I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers.

Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.” 
― Oliver Sacks



I'm completely addicted to photographing everything autumn. The colors outside are at there peak and the weather has cooperated allowing daily photo walks. It's mother nature's miracle this time of year. Outside is a beautiful painting, a big box of crayons.  The light over the last week has added tones and mood. Little details everywhere....

{Autumn Morning}

“The whole sphere of air that surrounds us, Alma, is alive with invisible attractions — electric, magnetic, fiery and thoughtful. There is a universal sympathy all around us… When we cease all argument and debate — both internal and external — our true questions can be heard and answered…That is the gathering of magic.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, The Signature of All Things



Hydrangeas in October make me happy...

Rising Strong

Say not I have found the truth but rather 'I have found a truth' 
Say not I have found the path of the soul
Say rather 
'I have met the soul walking upon my path'
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line
neither does it grow like a seed.
The soul unfolds like a reel.
The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals.
-Kahlil Gibran

Standing outside this morning on the deck. Parka on and coffee in hand. Frost and cold blanket the backyard and the sky now reflects a skyline of cool blues before the sun makes it's way forward for the day. I welcome fall this year and don't whine a bit from the cold. I'm alive. I'm grateful.