{Almost New Year}

“Sometimes goodness comes from treating yourself. Not like you burned earth to dust but like you made it into a beautiful body crowned it with stars, put a precious coat over it and called it home.” ― Tapiwa Mugabe, Zimbabwe

{Big Magic}

“Coming back is the thing that enables you to see how all the dots in your life are connected, how one decision leads you another, how one twist of fate, good or bad, brings you to a door that later takes you to another door, which aided by several detours--long hallways and unforeseen stairwells--eventually puts you in the place you are now.” ― Ann Patchett, What Now?

I'm proud to say I've been my niece's first art teacher. Or at least Crayola crayon scribbler teacher. It's been a blast to sit down on her level, pull out the thick, can't break them even with kung fu colors and draw. What has been equally fascinating is watching her little brain buzz and seeing the cognitive jumps over the past three weeks. Admittedly, I pushed this on her. Mom has the music down and by a code of artist ethics created by myself and for myself I had to this. But back to Camille and her brilliance. She is a smart, inquisitive and curious kid. Not a shocker as dad is an engineer and mom a reading teacher. On observation, and from experience, this child is an old soul. It's in her eyes and energy. So even stunned at her ability to go from using the wrong end of the crayon to delicate precision (even with scribbles)in less than a week... It didn't last long. I knew it! A future creator. I'm very proud that I've facilitated the beginning of some creative big magic. Which just also happens to be the excellent book I am reading right now from Elizabeth Gilbert. And it reminds me find what we are looking for when the time is right.

{Numerology}

“You will love again, people say. Give it time. Me with time running out. Day after day of the everyday. What they call real life, made of eighth-inch gauge. Newness strutting around as if it were significant. Irony, neatness and rhyme pretending to be poetry. I want to go back to that time after philosophy death when I cried every day among the trees. To the real. To the magnitude of pain, of being that much alive.” ― Jack Gilbert

I am continually brought back to the magnificence of poetry. As the year closes, like many people, I take an inventory and meditate on the lessons and experiences that it brought to me. And intuitively I free write into my journal and read. The words synch to my soul. It's difficult to explain, except its message is full circle. And like others, I'm just beyond done with this year. In the manner that it's energy and lessons were charged and blunt. No necessarily a bad thing but I'd say I fall within realm of, oh say, balance. Did you hear that 2017?

{XXVIII}

"Truth," said a traveller, "
Is a rock, a mighty fortress; 
"Often have I been to it, "
Even to its highest tower,
"From whence the world looks black." 

"Truth," said a traveller, 
"Is a breath, a wind, 
"A shadow, a phantom; 
"Long have I pursued it, "
But never have I touched ,
"The hem of its garment." 

And I believed the second traveller; 
For truth was to me 
A breath, a wind, 
A shadow, a phantom, 
And never had I touched 
The hem of its garment.” 
 ― Stephen Crane

{Almost Solstice}

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

As a lover of light (and heat) I must say that I am SO glad that we are coming upon the shortest day of the year already. Enough I say! Enough, with it's 5:30 pm and feels like 10pm. I suppose that is just how the world turns. And with the winter darkness comes the winter stars. And that is a blessing.

{Answer my friend}

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

{Amazing Grace}

“But what would that be like feeling the tide rise out of the numbness inside” ― David Whyte, Where Many Rivers Meet: Poems

The last few years have been the most challenging of my life. With the end of a violent and unhealthy marriage, came years of court fights and bitter interactions with my ex-husband over the children. It is still surreal to me as I never expected such anger and discourse from someone I knew and loved for 15 years. But it happens, and I know I never really knew him, it was my intuition that felt the rumble and anger most nights. And I chose to ignore it. Drink it away. Stay away, walk on eggshells. Till finally it was enough living in the rat cage. The mental games, the feeling of self-worth that was disappearing and turning into a hollow ghost. The lack of respect of boundaries as if I was a possession to be toyed with. That was the most damaging. I was never seen as real person and I tried so hard to connect to someone with an empty soul.

Trying to fight when one is numb and hollow is impossible. And I've been frustrated. As a trained counselor I thought I could heal my self. Not the case.

The damage done when living in an abusive marriage takes years to heal. And these days, with help I am less numb. More able to feel a range of emotions. And I let them rise. Feel it. The pain of being away from my kids. The injustice of a court system and lawyers who decide the fate of children based on who has the money to pay for how intense it gets.

And I am surprised at the anger. I'm not an angry person. But there is so much anger at the lies that have been told in court. And how long it takes to get any help when one doesn't have money. Working 60 hours a week at minimum wage job to pay child support to the man who make over six figures. I pay for his frequent trips to Mexico and other vacations. His heated car seats. I want to scream at the injustice as I barely get by with all the costs involved in this case. I pay this without a visit with my children in three years. Always the reason turned around to me, about my mental health. I'm not sure what mother would have excellent mental health when they have not seen their children in three years. Yet some how I am shown as unstable and other lies and the Stigma of mental health played out in court so self-righteously by this lawyer.

On his end, never any accountability for the systematic alienation for the last three years as I have gotten healthier and stood up to him. His lawyer is brillant and it's been difficult to even hear what they say about me in court. I KNOW I should brush it off. I am a sensitive empath and it stings my heart. I'm still learning how to manage my energy and not take on other energy and hate. But I feel it and it makes me ill.

 The courts in Minnesota only acknowledge domestic abuse if there is a slap to the face or kick in the ribs. Never mind the words that live in my heart and head. The fear and anxiety I have about strangers and flashbacks of horrible degrading things beings said, violations of body and soul during my marriage. I take responsability for ignoring so many red signals and really looking at my self on why I was attracted to this and stayed in a marriage like this for so long. For not leaving sooner. Maybe I would have my children in my arms.

But I wanted selfishly a family, together. Happy. The American dream. I love my children, love being a mom. Wanted to be a perfect mom. Whatever that is. I laugh now and how I set myself up to fail. Sad I couldn't just be in the moment....Run by total ego and wearing a mask so perfectly disguising the anguish and self-destruction behind it.  Oh yes, I'm FINE. Fine. I hate that word. On a side note, if anyone says this to me these days I always probe further. Most the time, it's not FINE. Blah.

But so many factors came into play at the time.  I had suffered bad post-partum depression with my son and didn't see how my anxiety disorder was reappearing as I was raising my kids. Always worrying about them. Panic attack returning. I loved them so much...So now being told that I am a danger to them is astonishing. The real story has not been told in court. How I worked so hard to do everything when they were small and things were real tough, two kids under three years old... with no help on his end as his work or school took priority. Or his careless decisions made, to save money, that put our children and danger. Most notably a child care center he picked that lost my son one day and sent me into panic mode when he was missing. I found a different place for him. Safer and a fight about how much more money it cost occured. Of course. The money. Always the money. His true love.

How my anxiety rose night after night and the insomnia came. The pressure of all that turned into a volcano. I was not practicing any self care. I was a mess. When the marriage ended I had nothing. I wanted nothing. Just to be away from him. I was in flight or fight mode 24/7.  My mental health was  gone gone gone and I was not making rational, healthy choices. It was nasty. Damaging to my soul. Games were played. My children caught in the mess. Being parented by a sociopathic liar.

Many people have said to me, counselors, lawyers, friends that my marriage would have killed me. It almost did and I am grateful I am one of the women who was able to leave. But like the circle of abuse which I learned about at the women's center is occuring to me, when the abuser can't control the victim they attack and control the children and the finances. And he has. And it has been pathological and relentless.

For four years I fought and it left me deflated each time. I'm an empath and my heart is breaking. My money is drained and it's been impossible to get on my feet and live a life that is true to me.

So I made a decision to surround myself with family right now and begin again. And I am healed and loved by my precious niece Camille. My sister and her husband have graciously hosted me as I get back on my feet again and try to figure what way to turn. I am part of a family that loves each other. Supports each other. It's new to be and beautiful to see that it can happen. I have hope again because I love having a family and loving human connection. Which is ESSENTIAL to healthy self growth. And family I learned can be whatever you make it. Sister, Friends, Recovery Community...who knows even talks with strangers can bring about an amazing soul connection. This experience has widened my heart to brace bigger , bolder love. To take it from surprising places. It's incredible soul building. I'm learning to be vulnerable which is beautiful (thank you Brene Brown-whose books on vulnerability are incredible)

 Most especially, Camille has healed a part of me that was ripped away four years ago. We play together, have great animated conversations and make art. She is an old soul and reminds me of my son. Sensitive. Amazingly smart and cautious. I love her and can not stop kissing her adorable 14 month old cheeks. What a blessing. Some times I hold her and cry. I feel the love for my children and the ache is so overwhelming. She looks at me concerned when I cry. I pull back, just wishing she could meet her cousins.

Just wishing that I had a "normal" divorce where I had a logical father of my children and not one who threatened me with words like the "reckoning" has just begun....and you will never see your kids again. So I talk about that with my amazing counselor, and turn back and be in the moment with Camille and my family. Because I'm lucky to be a part of a family for right now. And to be a survivor. Not a victim anymore.

I have a great life despite the challenges over the last few years. It has given me strength, faith and a belief in something bigger than myself. Although I'm still not quite sure that is. And soon I will be taking a big leap to an amazing new job out West. Where I can settle, get strong, and build a foundation for my children. Who I know will come home to me some day. Because I am their mother. And a mother never stops loving and fighting for her children. She shouldn't have too. And that's my thereaputic entry for the day! It feels good to put this out of my head and into a story.

{The Serenity of Winter}

“Your relationship with God is the same as your relationship with the sun. If you hid from the sun for years and then chose to come out of your darkness, the sun would still be shining as if you had never left. You don’t need to apologize. You just pick your head up and look at the sun. It’s the same way when you decide to turn toward God—you just do it.” ― Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

When winter settles in, and I feel the silence and frost of the surroundings, I think. Reflect. Watch and sometimes it wells my heart so big, free tears of serenity dust my cheeks. Either I can let it pull me up or down...it's that easy. The choice. I prefer to feel my chest expand, the light fill my eyes and be grateful for the shakey breath that's holding it together all these days. And I am grateful. Photo walks, preferably above subzero, center me in the moment. The last few days I caught these moments. And this beautiful horse, out in Indiana Amish Country. My sister indulged me and pulled over so I could take a picture. Horses are sensitive souls and when they look in your eyes it's a universally sweet connections. (Dogs can do this to me too:)...) This stunning horse, stood solid. It was cold. The wind blew across the open plains of the road. The silence was loud. It's eyes were old. I could not give justice to the sweetness of the moment.

{Stardust in her hair}

“Desire demands only a constant attention to the unknown gravitational field which surrounds us and from which we can recharge ourselves every moment, as if breathing from the atmosphere of possibility itself. A life’s work is not a series of stepping-stones onto which we calmly place our feet, but more like an ocean crossing where there is no path, only a heading, a direction, which, of itself, is in conversation with the elements.” 

― David Whyte, Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity

{One of those days}

Somedays, 
I am the flower 
Somedays, 
I am the rain 
-pavana

{Thanks Given}

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.” ― Wendell Berry

I'm feeling you Wendell and I hope you are right!

{Devil's Daughter}

There are days my pain is so elaborate... that the salt of my tears tastes not of my own but like that of my ancestors- and the woman who dealt with the sorrow before me. -Segovia Amil Oh this poem just really spoke to me today. This year I've felt the collective energy of people and I suspect it is because, being an election year, there was anxiety about change. The last two months it's like walking through fire. The air, not just with the change of the season, feels crisper. The pressure changes bind tighter. If all we are is energy, this ball of energy is tired. Very tired. And now, with winter, cold.

{Today and Yesterday}

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

This is what I remember. In college I saw Gloria Steinem speak. It by far was one of the most monumental experiences of my life. This woman is my heroine. There was a heckler in the audience and she handled him with such grace. I continued to just fixate and soak in every word she said. At the end of the lecture I approached her. Shaking, I spit out something along the lines of "I love you, you are amazing, blah blah ," She looked at me and smiled. Gave a polite thank you. Just wow. Now more than ever, I think of pulling out her books and re-reading her inspiring message. To dream. To plan.

{Fresh}

"Autumn burned brightly, a running flame through mountains, a torch flung to the trees"-Faith Baldwin

{All Along}

"Say to them,
Say to the down keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
"Even if you are not ready for the day
it cannot always be night."
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.
Live not for the battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-day-song.
Live in the along. -
Gwendolyn Brooks, Selected Poems

{Summer Sundays in the City}

You said, 'They’re harmless dreamers and they’re loved by the people.' 'What,' I asked you, 'is harmless about a dreamer, and what,' I asked you, 'is harmless about the love of the people? Revolution only needs good dreamers who remember their dreams.” ― Tennessee Williams

{Receptors}

“The first week of August hangs at the very top of summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of a Ferris wheel when it pauses in its turning. The weeks that come before are only a climb from balmy spring, and those that follow a drop to the chill of autumn, but the first week of August is motionless, and hot. It is curiously silent, too, with blank white dawns and glaring noons, and sunsets smeared with too much color.” ― Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

{Land of Heart's Desire}

Come, faeries, take me out of this dull house!

Let me have all the freedom I have lost;
Work when I will and idle when I will!
Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,
For I would ride with you upon the wind,
Run on the top of the dishevelled tide,

And dance upon the mountains like a flame. 

-W.B. Yeats

The entirety of this poem is beautiful but long so I posted my favorite few lines. And this picture, I'm entirely aware, is a photograph of leaves eaten by what is probably a very hungry bug of sorts. However, I found the pattern and how the light hit this patch of woods quite stunning so I'll post it anyway! Whatever ate away at these leaves seemed to have a very specific eating pattern.

{Ordinary Tales}

It was not dying that mattered, it was the sadness, the wonder. The few good people crying in the night. The few good people. – Charles Bukowski

{Seeking}

"Deeply I go down into myself. My god is dark and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence"-Rainer Maria Rilke

{Being Human}

“But life isn't something that should be edited. Life shouldn't be cut. The only way you'll ever discover what it truly means to be alive and human is by sharing the full experience of what it means to be human and each blemish and freckle that comes with it.” ― Iain Thomas

{Joy and Woe}

Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine,
Under every grief and pine,
Runs a joy with silken twine.
It is right it should be so,
We were made for joy and woe,
And when this we rightly know,
Through the world we safely go.

-William Blake

I loved how this vine stretched across the rock so I hunched down to capture it's beautiful trail. As I looked closer I noticed a little friend photo-bombing my picture. It was certainly unexpected and I watched through my camera as it hung out in the vine, peering at me from the side. It eventually made it's way out of my picture, not before I managed a quick capture. These little moments bring me joy and I hope not too much woe for this cute chipmunk who could only imagine what predator was this 50mm lens of mine!

{Crown of Queen Alice}

“There is no single face in nature, because every eye that looks upon it, sees it from its own angle. So every man's spice-box seasons his own food” -Zora Neale Hurston

{Mysteries}

“Mysteries, Yes”

“Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity,
while we ourselves dream of rising.

How two hands touch and the bonds
will never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always, from those
who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say
“Look!” and laugh in astonishment,
and bow their heads.”

- Mary Oliver

{Hidden}

“...I see myself at crossroads in my life, mapless, lacking bits of knowledge - then, the Moon breaks through, lights up the path before me...” ― John Geddes, A Familiar Rain

{Rosegardens}

“...when you're broken, everything gets a little honester - you make mistakes and don't give a damn - you give up on perfection, but get real...” ― John Geddes

{Dreamcatchers}

“Month by month things are losing their hardness; even my body now lets light through; my spine is soft like wax near the flame of the candle. I dream; I dream.”-virginia woolf

It's no secret I love flowers but I'm not very versed in their names. I'll often have fun making up names based on what they look like to me. I thought these beauties..when I finally realized they were real, mind you, because from a distance they did not appear so...looked like saucers. As if they were made to catch and hold things dropped into their hands. Similar to Poppies, their texture appeared like tissue paper which was fascinating since they held their structure so well. Especially with all the rain and wind we have had here. Lately, I seem to be noticing and appreciating the backs of flowers as well. That just seems odd but if you really look at a flower I think it really is not odd at all...Just a different view. Which I'm all about. Which is no secret either!

{Clearing in the Rubble}

A garden inside me, unknown, secret,
neglected for years,
the layers of its soil deep and thick.
Trees in the corners with branching arms
and the tangled briars like broken nets.

Sunrise through the misted orchard,
morning sun turns silver on the pointed twigs. 
I have woken from the sleep of ages and I am not sure
if I am really seeing, or dreaming,
or simply astonished
walking toward sunrise
to have stumbled into the garden
where the stone was rolled from the tomb of longing.
 --David Whyte "An Easter Morning in Whales"

I post these pictures in honor of the sun that has made it's way out after a rather gloomy week. But it's such a beautiful poem and speaks to me more than just the sun of course...

{Once Upon a Time}

"Longing is not a mind game and that is why I’ve always trusted it. Longing is raw, longing is real; it makes one listen and be attentive to what’s inside. There is mad honesty in longing. So mad that it feels suitable. It is very suitable for me, I’m telling you – I don’t even want to write it or write about it, I want to be it."-Anne Sexton

Oh there are just some days, weeks or years I don't want to be an adult. I'd prefer to float down the river, Huck Finn style, no responsibilities. Getting rid of it all. Just roam. In ourselves we are all our ages at once, so I suppose the last few weeks I've had the maturity of a 12 year old. Where, I recall, you have this world in front of you, oozing with possibility. But you got these lame parents holding you back. And now, I'm not too sure what I'm trying to say. Maybe I need a vacation, or to buy a floatie and lay in a pool. It's summer, it does it to me. This nice weather with it's open air.

{Streetside}

“I am a happy camper so I guess I’m doing something right. Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.” ― Henry David Thoreau

{Garnishes}

“I have stretched ropes from steeple to steeple; Garlands from window to window; Golden chains from star to star ... And I dance.” ― Arthur Rimbaud, Complete Works

{How I Go to the Woods}

Ordinarily, I go to the woods alone, with not a single friend, for they are all smilers and talkers and therefore unsuitable. 
I don’t really want to be witnessed talking to the catbirds or hugging the old black oak tree. I have my way of praying, as you no doubt have yours.
Besides, when I am alone I can become invisible. I can sit on the top of a dune as motionless as an uprise of weeds, until the foxes run by unconcerned. I can hear the almost unhearable sound of the roses singing. 
If you have ever gone to the woods with me, I must love you very much.” 
 ― Mary Oliver, Swan: Poems and Prose Poems