{Riddle}

“The Cosmos is all that is or was or ever will be. Our feeblest contemplations of the Cosmos stir us -- there is a tingling in the spine, a catch in the voice, a faint sensation, as if a distant memory, of falling from a height. We know we are approaching the greatest of mysteries.” 
― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

{Life's Terms}

“It is not so incomprehensible as you pretend, sweet pea. Love is the feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nourished by humor and “loaded with promises and commitments” that we may or may not want or keep.

The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it.” 
― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

{Awakenings}

“I am running into a new year and the old years blow back like a wind that I catch in my hair like strong fingers like all my old promises and it will be hard to let go of what I said to myself about myself when I was sixteen and twenty-six and thirty-six but I am running into a new year and I beg what i love and I leave to forgive me.” 
― Lucille Clifton



In the past week I have had coffee with three great friends that I worked with when I was a middle school counselor.  They all had very nice things to say to me. We caught up on our lives. And we remembered working together and what a lovely time we had.  Or they remembered what a great time we had.
I can't remember much. It's awfully weird. They all talked about me and I just sat uncomfortably trying to recall what that time was like. I love this women. I know that. They are strong, beautiful people who do great things for kids. I know I loved working with them.  I just can't remember.
Trauma freezes and shuts people down.  I obsessively read brain research on this subject. I just love research, love science and want to understand. Want to get better.
Some days I slug through and try to remember and feel things. I never used to be like this. I am a very sensitive person but just stuck in a bad place.  My ex-husband was and continues to be psychologically and emotionally abusive. He holds on to my children illegally and I can do nothing until I file a motion...with no lawyer right now.  It's hard to heal trauma when It keeps occuring. I want my life back badly. I ache for it and work so hard...I move forward then fall off a cliff. Get back up. I am so far from that person my friends talked to me about. At this point I'm not sure I would even want to be her anymore. Because there is a reason I got to this place and it's complicated. I allowed behavior for so long without setting boundaries or asserting myself. It destroyed my mental health. I'm resentful regarding my ex-husband but horribly disappointed and blame myself.
I working now with a counselor to address the PTSD which is pretty bad.  It's called prolonged exposure therapy. I had my first session on Wednesday and it was intense.  But from what I understand it is the most effective form of trauma therapy. Originally designed for veterans, it worked so well they trained others to use it on others outside the military who experience trauma.
It's a cloudy day and just needing to process things and such...

{On Being}

“I want to write something
so simply
about love
or about pain
that even
as you are reading
you feel it
and as you read
you keep feeling it
and though it be my story
it will be common,
though it be singular
it will be known to you
so that by the end
you will think—
no, you will realize—
that it was all the while
yourself arranging the words,
that it was all the time
words that you yourself,
out of your heart
had been saying.” 
― Mary Oliver, Evidence: Poems

{Moods}

“Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.” 
― Joss Whedon

{Garcia Garage}

“It’s all part of it, man.” 
― Jerry Garcia





I went on a photo walk and spotted these two awesome looking garages in an alley near my house. Instantly it reminded me of tie die (which I love) and I thought how LUCKY these people were to have such trippin, colorful places to hold their cars.  As with most things the pictures hardly do it justice. It just made me happy to see this part of the alleyway which probably sounds ridiculous.
Plastered on the walls were not only colors but shapes and textures that added to the pieces....An instant Rosarchach test....What do you see?
All in all I've had a blast designing cards for my shop. I hit flow and it's pretty sweet. Now if I just could sustain a living then life would be great. It's in the works, I have a vision. My time in Owatawana really inspired me and I just know where I should be. Getting there will be the fun part.