{Numerology}

“You will love again, people say. Give it time. Me with time running out. Day after day of the everyday. What they call real life, made of eighth-inch gauge. Newness strutting around as if it were significant. Irony, neatness and rhyme pretending to be poetry. I want to go back to that time after philosophy death when I cried every day among the trees. To the real. To the magnitude of pain, of being that much alive.” ― Jack Gilbert

I am continually brought back to the magnificence of poetry. As the year closes, like many people, I take an inventory and meditate on the lessons and experiences that it brought to me. And intuitively I free write into my journal and read. The words synch to my soul. It's difficult to explain, except its message is full circle. And like others, I'm just beyond done with this year. In the manner that it's energy and lessons were charged and blunt. No necessarily a bad thing but I'd say I fall within realm of, oh say, balance. Did you hear that 2017?

{XXVIII}

"Truth," said a traveller, "
Is a rock, a mighty fortress; 
"Often have I been to it, "
Even to its highest tower,
"From whence the world looks black." 

"Truth," said a traveller, 
"Is a breath, a wind, 
"A shadow, a phantom; 
"Long have I pursued it, "
But never have I touched ,
"The hem of its garment." 

And I believed the second traveller; 
For truth was to me 
A breath, a wind, 
A shadow, a phantom, 
And never had I touched 
The hem of its garment.” 
 ― Stephen Crane

{Almost Solstice}

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

As a lover of light (and heat) I must say that I am SO glad that we are coming upon the shortest day of the year already. Enough I say! Enough, with it's 5:30 pm and feels like 10pm. I suppose that is just how the world turns. And with the winter darkness comes the winter stars. And that is a blessing.

{Answer my friend}

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

{Amazing Grace}

“But what would that be like feeling the tide rise out of the numbness inside” ― David Whyte, Where Many Rivers Meet: Poems

The last few years have been the most challenging of my life. With the end of a violent and unhealthy marriage, came years of court fights and bitter interactions with my ex-husband over the children. It is still surreal to me as I never expected such anger and discourse from someone I knew and loved for 15 years. But it happens, and I know I never really knew him, it was my intuition that felt the rumble and anger most nights. And I chose to ignore it. Drink it away. Stay away, walk on eggshells. Till finally it was enough living in the rat cage. The mental games, the feeling of self-worth that was disappearing and turning into a hollow ghost. The lack of respect of boundaries as if I was a possession to be toyed with. That was the most damaging. I was never seen as real person and I tried so hard to connect to someone with an empty soul.

Trying to fight when one is numb and hollow is impossible. And I've been frustrated. As a trained counselor I thought I could heal my self. Not the case.

The damage done when living in an abusive marriage takes years to heal. And these days, with help I am less numb. More able to feel a range of emotions. And I let them rise. Feel it. The pain of being away from my kids. The injustice of a court system and lawyers who decide the fate of children based on who has the money to pay for how intense it gets.

And I am surprised at the anger. I'm not an angry person. But there is so much anger at the lies that have been told in court. And how long it takes to get any help when one doesn't have money. Working 60 hours a week at minimum wage job to pay child support to the man who make over six figures. I pay for his frequent trips to Mexico and other vacations. His heated car seats. I want to scream at the injustice as I barely get by with all the costs involved in this case. I pay this without a visit with my children in three years. Always the reason turned around to me, about my mental health. I'm not sure what mother would have excellent mental health when they have not seen their children in three years. Yet some how I am shown as unstable and other lies and the Stigma of mental health played out in court so self-righteously by this lawyer.

On his end, never any accountability for the systematic alienation for the last three years as I have gotten healthier and stood up to him. His lawyer is brillant and it's been difficult to even hear what they say about me in court. I KNOW I should brush it off. I am a sensitive empath and it stings my heart. I'm still learning how to manage my energy and not take on other energy and hate. But I feel it and it makes me ill.

 The courts in Minnesota only acknowledge domestic abuse if there is a slap to the face or kick in the ribs. Never mind the words that live in my heart and head. The fear and anxiety I have about strangers and flashbacks of horrible degrading things beings said, violations of body and soul during my marriage. I take responsability for ignoring so many red signals and really looking at my self on why I was attracted to this and stayed in a marriage like this for so long. For not leaving sooner. Maybe I would have my children in my arms.

But I wanted selfishly a family, together. Happy. The American dream. I love my children, love being a mom. Wanted to be a perfect mom. Whatever that is. I laugh now and how I set myself up to fail. Sad I couldn't just be in the moment....Run by total ego and wearing a mask so perfectly disguising the anguish and self-destruction behind it.  Oh yes, I'm FINE. Fine. I hate that word. On a side note, if anyone says this to me these days I always probe further. Most the time, it's not FINE. Blah.

But so many factors came into play at the time.  I had suffered bad post-partum depression with my son and didn't see how my anxiety disorder was reappearing as I was raising my kids. Always worrying about them. Panic attack returning. I loved them so much...So now being told that I am a danger to them is astonishing. The real story has not been told in court. How I worked so hard to do everything when they were small and things were real tough, two kids under three years old... with no help on his end as his work or school took priority. Or his careless decisions made, to save money, that put our children and danger. Most notably a child care center he picked that lost my son one day and sent me into panic mode when he was missing. I found a different place for him. Safer and a fight about how much more money it cost occured. Of course. The money. Always the money. His true love.

How my anxiety rose night after night and the insomnia came. The pressure of all that turned into a volcano. I was not practicing any self care. I was a mess. When the marriage ended I had nothing. I wanted nothing. Just to be away from him. I was in flight or fight mode 24/7.  My mental health was  gone gone gone and I was not making rational, healthy choices. It was nasty. Damaging to my soul. Games were played. My children caught in the mess. Being parented by a sociopathic liar.

Many people have said to me, counselors, lawyers, friends that my marriage would have killed me. It almost did and I am grateful I am one of the women who was able to leave. But like the circle of abuse which I learned about at the women's center is occuring to me, when the abuser can't control the victim they attack and control the children and the finances. And he has. And it has been pathological and relentless.

For four years I fought and it left me deflated each time. I'm an empath and my heart is breaking. My money is drained and it's been impossible to get on my feet and live a life that is true to me.

So I made a decision to surround myself with family right now and begin again. And I am healed and loved by my precious niece Camille. My sister and her husband have graciously hosted me as I get back on my feet again and try to figure what way to turn. I am part of a family that loves each other. Supports each other. It's new to be and beautiful to see that it can happen. I have hope again because I love having a family and loving human connection. Which is ESSENTIAL to healthy self growth. And family I learned can be whatever you make it. Sister, Friends, Recovery Community...who knows even talks with strangers can bring about an amazing soul connection. This experience has widened my heart to brace bigger , bolder love. To take it from surprising places. It's incredible soul building. I'm learning to be vulnerable which is beautiful (thank you Brene Brown-whose books on vulnerability are incredible)

 Most especially, Camille has healed a part of me that was ripped away four years ago. We play together, have great animated conversations and make art. She is an old soul and reminds me of my son. Sensitive. Amazingly smart and cautious. I love her and can not stop kissing her adorable 14 month old cheeks. What a blessing. Some times I hold her and cry. I feel the love for my children and the ache is so overwhelming. She looks at me concerned when I cry. I pull back, just wishing she could meet her cousins.

Just wishing that I had a "normal" divorce where I had a logical father of my children and not one who threatened me with words like the "reckoning" has just begun....and you will never see your kids again. So I talk about that with my amazing counselor, and turn back and be in the moment with Camille and my family. Because I'm lucky to be a part of a family for right now. And to be a survivor. Not a victim anymore.

I have a great life despite the challenges over the last few years. It has given me strength, faith and a belief in something bigger than myself. Although I'm still not quite sure that is. And soon I will be taking a big leap to an amazing new job out West. Where I can settle, get strong, and build a foundation for my children. Who I know will come home to me some day. Because I am their mother. And a mother never stops loving and fighting for her children. She shouldn't have too. And that's my thereaputic entry for the day! It feels good to put this out of my head and into a story.

{The Serenity of Winter}

“Your relationship with God is the same as your relationship with the sun. If you hid from the sun for years and then chose to come out of your darkness, the sun would still be shining as if you had never left. You don’t need to apologize. You just pick your head up and look at the sun. It’s the same way when you decide to turn toward God—you just do it.” ― Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

When winter settles in, and I feel the silence and frost of the surroundings, I think. Reflect. Watch and sometimes it wells my heart so big, free tears of serenity dust my cheeks. Either I can let it pull me up or down...it's that easy. The choice. I prefer to feel my chest expand, the light fill my eyes and be grateful for the shakey breath that's holding it together all these days. And I am grateful. Photo walks, preferably above subzero, center me in the moment. The last few days I caught these moments. And this beautiful horse, out in Indiana Amish Country. My sister indulged me and pulled over so I could take a picture. Horses are sensitive souls and when they look in your eyes it's a universally sweet connections. (Dogs can do this to me too:)...) This stunning horse, stood solid. It was cold. The wind blew across the open plains of the road. The silence was loud. It's eyes were old. I could not give justice to the sweetness of the moment.

{Stardust in her hair}

“Desire demands only a constant attention to the unknown gravitational field which surrounds us and from which we can recharge ourselves every moment, as if breathing from the atmosphere of possibility itself. A life’s work is not a series of stepping-stones onto which we calmly place our feet, but more like an ocean crossing where there is no path, only a heading, a direction, which, of itself, is in conversation with the elements.” 

― David Whyte, Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity